No Matter What, We Still Get to Choose

A lady friend of mine, let's call her Candice, recently renewed a friendship with an estranged girlfriend, let's call her Julie. Candice had been working for a long time to build up the courage to get herself out of a bad situation. She wanted to clean up her act, go back to church, and leave her less than desirable way of life.

She and Julie talked of renting apartment together as a way of helping them both get out of bad situations. Shortly after renewing their friendship, Julie talked (read: blabbed, gossiped) about Candice's problems with other members of the church. Some (at least one) of these church members apparently judged Candice as being unworthy to belong to their group, and took an immediate dislike to her.

Now Candice feels that all her hard work and good intentions are for naught. Those feelings are very understandable. I would most likely feel the same way myself if someone betrayed my confidences. Candice feels like everyone at the church will be staring at her and thinking the worst of her. If she ever does go back to church, it will be with extreme trepidation, even though it is, in fact, what she wants more than anything else in the world.

I am familiar with the people of this religious community. I have known many of them since they were babes in their mother's arms. They are not mal-intentioned or mean-spirited. They have their own problems. It goes without saying that none of them are perfect either. Candice suffering from the delusion that everyone in the congregation will be looking down their noses at her. She is imagining a worst-case scenario of what these people are going to be thinking of her, and then reacting to that mythology as if it were the truth.

The truth of the matter is that most people are so concerned with themselves that they don't have time to worry about anybody else's problems. Another truth is that Candice still has the freedom to choose her actions for herself. She can choose to ignore the lies in her head and go to church anyway to get the spiritual nourishment that she so desires.

Whom Are We Trying to Impress?

There is a large billboard by which I pass on a common route home. It is an advertisement for a Kawasaki Jet-ski. It says, in big bold letters: "Impress the Mermaids".

Now, I am not ordinarily in the business of trying to impress anyone, much less mythical beings. The way I see this ad, it seems to be trying to tell me that it is important what other people think of me based on my material possessions. This is, in my estimation, probably the poorest of all reasons to want to own anything.

We should not concern ourselves about what other people think about us (loved-ones excepted). Since we have no control over what they think of us, regardless of what we own, say, or do, what makes us think that a new jet-ski will garner their approval? No matter what you say, do, think, or own, some people will be impressed, others will be offended, and many others just won't care. We should not consider how others may react to us when making decisions, no matter how large or small. We cannot take upon us the responsibility of trying to control what other people think. When we try to impress, that is exactly what we are attempting.

The myth that society has propagated onto us is that if we own "cool" stuff, that people will like us, accept us, girls will flock to you, guys will magically turn into cavalier gentlemen, and all your myriad problems will be erased from the consciousness of everyone who has ever known you. Pay attention to the next toothpaste commercial you see. What is it really telling you?

The use of this myth in our society promulgates conspicuous consumerism by playing off of what Maslow's refers to as "Love" in his hierarchy of needs. "If you buy our product, people will love and accept you." Nothing could be farther from the truth. The acceptance of our own self by our own self is the most important acceptance to which we can aspire. If we learn to be accepting of ourselves, we will no longer feel the need to create a façade in the hopes that others will love us for it.

Why is there no Joy in Mudville?

In the famous poem, Casey at the Bat, by Ernest L. Thayer, the final line has always given me pause.

Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright.
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light.
And, somewhere men are laughing, and little children shout,
but there is no joy in Mudville -- mighty Casey has struck out."

And just why is there no "joy in Mudville"? Did the people of fictional Mudville, even in 1888, hold one member of their hometown baseball team responsible for how they felt about themselves? This must have been quite a burden on Casey, to know he was the holder of the state of mind and happiness of all the people of his town.

I propose a more accurate, possibly a little less iambic-pentameterly correct version, of the last few lines, as follows:

Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright.
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light.
And, somewhere men are laughing, and little children shout,
But still there's joy in Mudville, even though the man struck out.

The residents of Mudville are not a silly lot,
They do not wander aimlessly seeking what is not.
'Cause long ago they found that joy was not found in a game,
But in the soul of everyman, his own joy he can claim.

As early as 1888, and probably as early as Cain and Abel, we have been taught, by society, in one form or another (usually surreptitiously and unconsciously), that the way we feel about ourselves is somehow dependent on things other than ourselves. Admittedly, the residents of Mudville were disappointed in the performance of their star player at a seemingly critical moment, buy this disappointment is a far cry from Casey's unexpected failure being the cause of draining all the joy from each member of the Mudville community.

Is the way we feel about ourselves dependent on the clothes we wear? The amount of money we make? The kind of car we drive? On someone else's (supposed) opinion of us? On some imagined circumstance over which we have no control?

We get to choose for ourselves if we have joy. We should not depend on or use any external circumstance as a measurement of how we feel inside.